A Note to the Fangirls from Edward Elric
by AdventureAddict
Summary: You just don't get it, do you? I am not something to just boss around as you please. Not only is fanfiction completely illogical, it's downright annoying!
1. Ed's First Note

Okay, I'm here to set the record straight for all you damn fangirls.

First if all, my name is Edward Elric, but the beauty of the internet is that even if I say that, you can't find me if I don't tell you any more. I could be in Antarctica for all you know, freezing my ass off just to tell you all this. So you better pay attention!

First of all, being a State Alchemist is not all fun and games. You act like you understand by saying, "Oh yeah, but I can handle blood and gore." No. You can't. You can't possibly understand how hard it is to deal with that by a little cartoon with blood in the streets and a boy with blond hair going "But we're going to get through this! Right, Al?"

Wipe that happy little cartoon boy from your mind.

Have you ever seen a dead opossum in the middle of the road? An opossum that had been so horribly mangled that you thought it was a hat before you noticed the blood coating its fur? An opossum that was just so disgusting you nearly puked when you looked at it? Now multiply that feeling by about a thousand and you're starting to get close to how I felt when I saw 'Mom.'

And you better know what I'm talking about, or else you better be questioning your fangirliness.

That's right, I'm not just some happy little cartoon that deals with all the problems thrown at him with a smile on his face and never gives up. And I wouldn't fall in love with any OC you throw at me after about five chapters. Chapter One: Ed meets OC and immediately realizes feelings for her. Chapter Two: Ed confesses to OC that he attempted human transmutation. OC is shocked but still treats him the same way. Chapter Three: Ed ends up blushing from something to do with OC in some way, shape, or form. Chapter Four: Not so subtle flirting between Ed and OC. Chapter Five: Intense make-out scene.

Come on. Who do you think you're kidding with this crap? Yeah, I would tell a girl all my secrets after only knowing her for one chapter. _Really. _Sitting a girl down and telling her "Okay, this is why I have automail," really wins her heart.

Well, maybe it would, it's not like I've ever tried it. Maybe girls would like that because of the whole "I love Honesty" thing.

Yeah, right.

"Hey, just to let you know, I once tried to bring back my mother and ended up getting a horrible monster that made me pee in my pants instead. (pause) This won't throw off our relationship at all, will it?"

Oh, and then there's all you girls that make me confess to Winry of my undying love in the first chapter.

Ha!

"Winry, just to let you know, I have always loved you. Even though you're always throwing wrenches at me and threatening to hurt me on a regular basis… Now, about my automail. You see, there was this guy called 'Scar…'"

Now, even if I were to tell her I loved her, let's think. Would I really do it in the first chapter? Sure, I've known her for a while, but I knew her for a while in the anime too, and there were 51 episodes on that. 51! And then a movie to top that off! So say you're watching all the episodes without commercials and then watching the movie afterwards. That's about 1,140 minutes of FMA, and is there one kiss between me and Winry? No. And then you decide that you're so special and you're going to write an EdWin fanfic, and end up making us kiss in the first chapter.

So if one of your chapters was about equivalent to an episode of the real thing, then that means you accomplished in 20 minutes what SquareEnix couldn't in 57 times that amount.

_Bra_vo.

Al's the one who's constantly asking for more attention with the girls, and who gets all the romance fanfics? Me. And they aren't even all girls. Oh no.

Let's see, first there's all those Roy and Ed pairings. As if pairing me with a guy isn't bad enough, you got to pair me with _him_? Were you _not_ paying attention during FMA? I. DO. NOT. LIKE. HIM. Let's get that straight, people.

No, there are no feelings hidden beneath the anger I show every time he calls me to his office. No, I do not pray and hope that he feels the same way about me. No, I do not secretly have desires to grab him and kiss those tender lips.

Ew.

And I thought EdWin was bad enough. Royai is just… bleh.

And don't get me started on Edvy. Nngh. I am trying to kill him, and you take it to mean that I secretly want to-

Let's not go there. Really. Are you guys even trying or are you just making all your wildest fantasies with FMA come true in the closest way possible? It's either "Let's make Ed the perfect boyfriend!" or "Let's see how much we can screw Ed up!" I've gone to the modern world, had people from the modern world come to my world, been an old man married for forty-some years, stopped the marriage of Roy and Riza because I loved Riza, gotten _cancer_, had Scar break my automail _leg_, died countless times, had children, gone to church to confess of my sins to god…

Looking at all of this, I can pretty much safely assume I'm Superman.

And then you had to drag poor Al into it too. He's had a crush on Riza, gotten addicted to Ebay, married Winry, gotten so many kittens he could start a kitten sanctuary, and become human again just "Because he's so adorable as a human!"

Well, if it was that easy, why is there even a story?

"Al, you were so much cuter when you weren't a giant suit of armor."

Poof!

"You did it, Brother! I'm human again!"

Which reminds me…

There are also those of you who choose to do the pairing of me and Al. That's just wrong. What kind of sick twisted minds do you have?! Are brothers not even allowed to say "I love you" without someone else going, "Oh, they're _gay_!"

He's my brother, for Pete's sake. Jeez. You fangirls look into every single tiny movement and decide that it is really masking our feelings of love. Yes, I love my brother. No, not like that, you pervert!

I am an Alchemist. I am not your "boy toy," and if you tell me to do something, chances are, I won't do it. Maybe because I have a good reason, maybe because I don't feel like it, or maybe because I just want to tick you off.

Yes, I am a teenager. I do have hormones. But just like almost all other teenagers out there, I have no clue what I'm doing. Do you really think that just because I can fight a few bad guys I can run up to a girl and ask her out because I think she is pretty? (Yes I do think some girls are pretty. Get over it.)

Yeah, I've seen some of the less pretty sides of life. But that doesn't mean I'm perfect. My palm gets sweaty. I have armpit hair. Even though I've personally seen how nasty the seven deadly sins can be, I still commit them from time to time. Sometimes I think I might need depression medicine. I've had the occasional thought of what might happen if it committed suicide. And if I had the time to, I might even obsess over cars and rock bands. I don't know who I am most of the time. (But at least I don't have to deal with grown-ups asking me what I want to be when I grow up) I wonder what the hell is going on with my body. I play air guitar when nobody's looking. I want to fit in and be accepted.

The truth is, I'm just a normal teenager with a dark past. But don't all teenagers have some sort of dark past? Don't all teenagers feel like they are "different" from everybody else?

So why do you have to obsess over _me_? Why can't you just obsess over someone like that guy in your Algebra class?

Because he would probably think you're creepy. Mm-hm. And I, good, sweet, loving, Edward Elric would not?

Another one to add to the list: I don't get girls.

**Note: **If you recognize a fanfic Ed referred as one of yours, that probably means I read it. (well, duh) But just because Ed doesn't like it doesn't mean I don't like it. In fact, I think all the ones I referred to are ones that I liked, since they stuck around in my head. So to put it simply, if you see your fanfic in there, then congrats! I read it, and I liked it enough to have it stick around in my head for a few months.

So I was thinking of adding some more ramblings of Ed to the fangirls, but I'm not really sure. I want to hear what all you people think before I go on cuz I'm not sure… I like rambling as Ed or Al – it's fun and you really get to learn their character better. I still haven't tried rambling as Roy though. That could be fun. But I'm getting off subject here. Tell me what you thought of this, and we'll see where it goes from there. Kay? Kay.


	2. Ed's Second Note

**The opinions expressed in the following rant are only the views of Edward Elric. They do not in any way express the views of AdventureAddict. **

So I write a rant about how you've screwed up my life and can't do anything right in your fanfics, and you guys _like _it. You find me _funny. _FullMetal Comedian, eh? That Edward Elric, he's just a barrel of laughs!

Ha ha ha.

And Child of the Dragon, I'LL KILL YOU!!! I _just _said that I'm not your "Boy Toy," and then you write a review in which you dress me up in a Sailor Moon outfit, have tea, AND call me short! You are _sooo_ dead.

Ayumi Elric, _yes, _I have armpit hair. It's normal. Not really that funny. And another thing, stop murdering me!! "It makes good angst," does not make me feel any better about dying multiple times! And why are you using _my_ last name? You are NOT an Elric!

You fangirls all think you would just totally _adore_ me if you met me, but not only do I have armpit hair, I sweat. And teenage sweat glands are not pretty. I don't just sweat, I sweat like hell. Warm, ushy gushy, all-over-the-place, stinky, smelly sweat. _Not _cool.

If you're constantly running around the country tracking down a stupid stone, you get a little sweaty. And when I say "a little," I really mean a lot. You can get caked in the stuff. Literally. I can even have so much sweat sometimes that I can watch a drop slide down my nose and eventually hit the floor.

And half the time you stupid fangirls don't even realize it's there! And when you _do _realize I'm sweating, it ends up being something like "Oh, poor Edo is working so hard! See, he's sweating!"

Well, I deserve a gold star!

_Please. _I'm not in kindergarten. In kindergarten, everybody smells reasonably nice. Except of course for the kids who love to roll around in the mud and hate taking baths. But kindergartners don't sweat. Teenagers do. Sweat is not there just to let you know when "poor Edo" is working hard. Like I'd even want you to know.

Seriously. I think I've actually killed some animals thanks to my sweat. I once saw a cow running the other way after Al and I had a spar in Resembool. Head-for-the-hills kind of running. And you're busy thinking about how you would run up to me after a fight with Scar and tell me I was so brave and maybe give me a quick hug and all that stuff.

Would you want to hug day-old milk? Because I'll be smelling like something down in that vicinity. Good ol' bacteria and all sorts of other things that people don't like. If you can kiss a boy after he's just had a huge helping of food with lots of garlic in it, (and you haven't had any garlic) then maybe you would be able to walk up and say a quick "hi" to me after a fight. Maybe.

And as if sweat isn't enough, I got automail on top of it. Which means I'll also probably have a nice, pleasant oil smell hanging around me. Sweat and oil. So pretty much only me and Winry could hang around each other without puking.

And no, that does _not _mean I love her! Give it up! Me and Winry aren't going to be having a wedding anytime soon! As in never. Growing up with someone since four years old can kinda make you a little less attracted to them. Yeah, she's pretty, and yeah, I care about her-

I'm getting off subject!

You just want to make me _soooo _adorable, don't you?

"Aw! Ed and Winry sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Ed with a baby carriage!"

Hell no. No baby carriage for me. You would love that though, wouldn't you? Get Ed to be the cute, adorable, doting father.

I am not _adorable_!!! Which brings up something else you guys are constantly doing…

A Cat.

Who the hell decided that I would just be so much better if I was part kitty?! I want to know NOW!

That's just every fangirl's dream, isn't it? FelineMetal Alchemist. He's smart, cares about his family, and the most precious widdle face you'll ever find! But have you ever considered that maybe I don't want to be a cat? Because I don't. I really, _really_ don't.

Some of the negative aspects of being a cat – let's see… they don't have opposable thumbs, which is very bad if you want to open a can of soda, that tail is probably annoying as hell, hairballs (need I say more?), and they take a bath by _licking _themselves. _Licking. _And of course there's little problem called Al, who would be picking me up and coddling me every chance he gets.

I don't want to be picked up and coddled all the time! Being a cat goes against everything I am! I am not cute and adorable, I am a lean, mean alchemy machine. Not. A. Cat.

How does that even work?! I can just turn into a cat on a whim now because some fangirl says it is so?

Do you even know what street cats are like? I got the sex-talk because of two stupid cats in the street. Well, thank you Mr. Tabby. You scared a poor little boy's mind for the rest of his life. I hope you die of kitty-AIDS. If that exists…

But a _cat? _You couldn't have even made me a dog? You know what people always think of as the male house pet? Dogs. The female house pet? Cats. So of course, which one do you decide to turn me into? Why, the one people usually think is a girl, of course!

And of course, which pets are usually the heroic ones? Well, Lassie, Underdog, Beethoven, Rin Tin Tin, and Krypto are all ones I can think of. Now try listing all the famous stories about cats.

You haven't got any? Well, I wonder why that is. Maybe dogs are just more naturally heroic than cats. So why would you turn me into a cat?! Why?! Is it just because cats are so adorable and cuddly and you want me to be like that?! Well, cats also have claws, and let me just say that the face of anyone who turned me into a cat would be horribly disfigured afterwards.

And if you don't get anything else I tell you, then at least get this: I am not cute. I am not adorable. I get into fights on a regular basis. It is not _cute. _There is blood and destruction. Never any cute widdle kitties.

Turn Roy into a cat all you want. He deserves that punishment. But stop doing it to me! You say you "love" me, but then you decide to turn me into any possible thing I'm not and don't want to be!

STOP IT!

**Note: **So, yeah… there was so much response to the first rant that I decided to do another. I just did Ed again because he just the type of character that rants, but I'm working on an Al note and hoping to post that soon… But we'll see. I've got some stuff coming up in the next week that might delay me for a bit…

Thanks for such a response on the first chap! I was not expecting that at all!


	3. Ed's Third NoteChat

**AdventureAddict **has joined the chat.

**Who needs a screen name?** has joined the chat.

**AdventureAddict**: Ed, aren't you supposed to be working on one of those fangirl rant thingies? I think the readers are getting a bit restless…

**Who needs a screen name?**: Like I give a damn. Besides, I AM working on it.

**AdventureAddict**:?

**AdventureAddict**: What, while you're also talking to me?

**Who needs a screen name?**: No, this is my rant.

**AdventureAddict**: o.0

**Who needs a screen name?**: All these stupid MSN chats in fanfics is annoying! Do you seriously think that any plot is moving along in the story by writing this?

**AdventureAddict**: Not really, no. I see your point.

**Who needs a screen name?**: Thx. At least one fangirl agrees w/ me.

**L rox my sox** has joined the chat.

**AdventureAddict**: Besides, these things read really fast too. And for the record, I am NOT a fangirl. I am a fan, and I am a girl, but NOT a FANGIRL.

**L rox my sox**: …o.0? what did I miss?

**AdventureAddict**: Heya Beth :D

**Who needs a screen name?**: NOTHING. Don't you know these MSN chaps have no point whatsoever?

**L rox my sox**: …

**AdventureAddict**: …

**L rox my sox**: By the way Addict, who's this other guy? Or girl…?

**Who needs a screen name?**: GUY

**AdventureAddict**: No one important… just a guy…

**AdventureAddict**: Why did that suddenly stop the conversation?

**Who needs a screen name?**: …

**L rox my sox**: umm... I'm gonna go watch deathnote now…

**L rox my sox** has left the chat.

**AdventureAddict**: …sigh…

**AdventureAddict**: I know I should be working on some fanfic right now…

**Who needs a screen name?**: You should, but I'm finishing my rant first.

**AdventureAddict**: I'm just too durned lazy anyway…

**Who needs a screen name?**: "durned?"

**AdventureAddict**: Yes, DURNED. You might swear all you want whenever you want, but I will not! XP

**Kittenluv04** has joined the chat.

**Who needs a screen name?**: Al, do you really need such a stupid screen name?

**Kittenluv04**: It's not stupid!

**AdventureAddict**: Hey there Al! . I didn't know what your screen name was!

**Who needs a screen name?**: Oh come on, the screen names are always pretty obvious in fanfic chats. You know how many times I've had a screen name that has something to do with saying how I'm not short?

**AdventureAddict**: Oh, yeah. And Al usually has something to do with kittens, or whatever else makes fangirls go "KAWAII!!"

**Kittenluv04**: …?

**Who needs a screen name?**: for the love of…

**Who needs a screen name?** has left the chat.

**AdventureAddict**: HEY! THIS IS YOUR BLOODY RANT, SO YOU GET YOUR KEYSTER BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!!

**Kittenluv04**: Um… I don't think he can hear you through the computer…

**AdventureAddict**: Just wait a sec…

**Who needs a screen name?** has joined the chat.

**Who needs a screen name?**: Oh, fine. You don't need to get so pissed.

**Kittenluv04**: Wait, how…? But it's a computer!

**AdventureAddict**: And this is also a fanfic and I'm the one with the profile. Therefore, things go the way I want them to.

**Who needs a screen name?**: AHA! Also calling this a story in the middle of a story is another pet peeve of mine! How would we know that we're in a story in the first place?

**Kittenluv04**: …o.0

**AdventureAddict**: You're the child prodigies, not me.

** oOHeartbreakerOo** has joined the chat.

**Who needs a screen name?**: aw, shit.

**oOHeartbreakerOo**: I thought you'd be happier to see me, fm.

**AdventureAddict**: fm? Who is this?

**Who needs a screen name?**: It's the colonel bastard. "fm" stands for Fullmetal 'cuz he doesn't want to type it out.

**Kittenluv04**: Brother, stop swearing!

**AdventureAddict**: Yeah, it's kinda annoying.

** oOHeartbreakerOo**: Who's your friend fm?

**AdventureAddict**: I girl who learned 50 different ways of hurting a guy in her self-defense class in 9th grade.

** oOHeartbreakerOo** has left the chat.

**AdventureAddict**: And now it's down to 3.

**Kittenluv04**: …uh oh

**Who needs a screen name?**: eh heh… I would log out right now, but I already tried that trick once and it didn't work.

**AdventureAddict**: And it's taken you long enough to post a rant, so you should probably make it nice and long, especially if it's MSN chat the whole way through.

**Who needs a screen name?**: Dammit.

**Kittenluv04**: Don't worry, Brother, I'll stay with you for the rest of the rant.

**Who needs a screen name?**: thx Al.

**Kittenluv04**: Hang on just a sec, I think I saw something…

**Who needs a screen name?**: …

**AdventureAddict**: …

**AdventureAddict**: Sure is taking him a while, isn't it?

**Who needs a screen name?**: That's because you're the one with the fanfiction profile and you still haven't decided to have him come back.

**AdventureAddict**: Right, right, right. ALPHONSE ELRIC, I COMMAND THEE TO RETURN TO THE CHATROOM!

**Who needs a screen name?**: you didn't have to do it like that…

**Kittenluv04**: omg there's a poor helpless kitty outside!!! He needs my help now!!!!

**Kittenluv04** has left the chat.

**Who needs a screen name?**: great, now what?

**AdventureAddict**: I shall use my awesome authoress powers to summon more chatees.

**--Frodo Baggins--** has joined the chat.

**Harry Effing Potter** has joined the chat.

**Who needs a screen name?**: Great, we need more people to liven up the chat and you get Frodo and Harry Potter. Who's next? You gonna get-

**Queen Wrench** has joined the chat.

**Who needs a screen name?**: Oh, hi, Winry.

**Queen Wrench**: Hey, Ed. I haven't heard from you in a while. How's your automail been doin'?

**Who needs a screen name?** has left the chat.

**AdventureAddict**: Hey, Frodo and Harry haven't even gotten to say anything yet! COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!!

**Who needs a screen name?** has joined the chat.

**Who needs a screen name?**: Aw shit. Stop pulling that summoning trick on me addict!

**Queen Wrench**: What's wrong with your automail?!?!

**Who needs a screen name?**: Nothing, Winry!

**--Frodo Baggins--**: I want to say something.

**AdventureAddict**: Then go ahead and say it! This is a chat room after all.

**Queen Wrench**: Yeah, I agree with AA.

**--Frodo Baggins--**: not like that… I just wanted to say SOMETHING…

**Harry Effing Potter**: Me too!

**Who needs a screen name?**: Fine, you've both said something, now let's all just stop. This isn't even a rant anymore, so I don't know if this will even work as something to post for those damn fangirls.

**AdventureAddict**: 'Course you can post it! This is merely proving to the fangirls how out of control these MSN chats can get.

**Queen Wrench**: Ed, I know there's something wrong with your automail. You wouldn't have logged out so quickly if your automail was doing perfectly fine.

**Who needs a screen name?**: Damn fangirls… it's not like they'll get it anyway…

**Queen Wrench**: TELL ME NOW ED!!!

**Who needs a screen name?** has left the chat.

**Queen Wrench**: I'LL FIND YOU NO MATTER WHERE YOU HIDE, EDWARD ELRIC!!!!

**Queen Wrench** has left the chat.

**AdventureAddict**: That was actually a little scary…

**Harry Effing Potter**: I feel unloved.

**--Frodo Baggins--**: Me too.

**AdventureAddict**: Well, ya can keep on feeling unloved, 'cuz I'm outta here.

**AdventureAddict** has left the chat.

**--Frodo Baggins--**: I need Sam…

**Harry Effing Potter**: I need Ron…

**--Frodo Baggins--** has left the chat.

**Harry Effing Potter** has left the chat.

** oOHeartbreakerOo** has joined the chat.

** oOHeartbreakerOo**: Hey, is that crazy girl still here?

** oOHeartbreakerOo**: …

** oOHeartbreakerOo**: Hello?

** oOHeartbreakerOo**: …

** oOHeartbreakerOo**: Anyone?

**AdventureAddict** has joined the chat.

**AdventureAddict**: Oh, for pete's sake Roy. Give it up, there's no one here.

**AdventureAddict** has left the chat.

**oOHeartbreakerOo**: dammit.

** oOHeartbreakerOo** has left the chat.

So do you see how completely pointless that was?! Nothing in these stupid chats makes the plotline move a along, and really the only point to them is just so that the author can have a little bit _more_ fun with their favorite FMA characters. Oh, as if it isn't bad enough that we've paired Ed up with an OC, now we're going to make him talk to the OC online!

Damn you fangirls…

And also, those MSN chats are hard for people to read if you've been in chatrooms since you were little and then someone like –cough- AdventureAdddict –cough- comes along and tries to read it when they've never been in a chatroom before. Whatever happened to grammar and proper spelling?! There are actually some kids who try writing English essays in chat-talk!

Now that's just sad.

And now for the other topic of the day – characters in fanfics realizing and talking about how they're really characters in a story. First of all, if I _did_ know that, then I wouldn't blurt it out like some idiot. That ruins the illusion of the story! And second of all, how the hell would I know something like that?!

That's right, Edward Elric is no longer just an anime character, he is GOD. But he lets stupid fangirls write stupid fanfics because it amuses him.

Ha ha ha ha. You can just tell how amusing I find all of this.

**Note:** So yeah, this one's a little later than the others and a little, well… different than the other rants. Sorry if you peoples didn't enjoy it as much. Er… blame the muses? Yeah, that's it! _The muses…_ The inspiration finally came from Arktos's story "Stranger than Fiction." It's got all sorts of little shorts at the end of chapters (Kinda like Arakawa's bonus pages at the end of the mangas) that poke fun at all sorts of FMA clichés. So now –cough- _Edward_ –cough- has got plenty more material to rant about. Thanks Arktos! _Psst – read her story, it's great! _

Oh, and yes, for those of you who might have read The New Neighbors, I know that this is a lot like some of my author's notes at the beginning back when it was me, Frodo and Ed talking. That's also why Beth is in this. (Sorry Kairi!) She was sooo persistent on trying to get me to go back to that old style of writing rants. So this rant is dedicated to her since she wanted more of this sort of stuff so badly. ;D


	4. Ed's Fourth Note

**You want me to put some type of disclaimer at the beginning of these stupid things? All right, I don't **_**own **_**Fullmetal Alchemist, I **_**am **_**Fullmetal Alchemist. Happy?**

You made me pregnant?!

First of all, how _the hell_ is that even _possible_?! Secondly, WHY?!

There is no way in hell I would want to be a teenage father in the first place, and even less chance I would want to have the baby myself. I saw what happened before Al was born, and I know I wouldn't want to go through that myself, not to mention the added pressure of somehow being the first male to ever get pregnant.

Did none of you pay attention in health class? A guy getting pregnant is not, I repeat, NOT possible. I hate to break it to all you rabid fangirls, but that's not how are bodies are designed to work. A girl's body, yes, a guy's body, no.

What is even the logic behind that? Not only do you get to torment me, but when the time comes to have a _kid,_ (eww. As if.) you just get to sit on your ass and sip tea while I crave raw sushi. And then have my water break. And then go through extreme pain while cursing the heavens for my misfortune.

Of course, I'm skipping out on all the wonderful bits in between. First there'll be all the fun in finding out I'm pregnant. (who the hell decided to give a guy a pregnancy test, I have no clue) Then of course I would be rushed to a hospital, where they find out that the test was indeed accurate, and I will definitely be having a baby. But I'm not having an abortion, oh no. After all, this is going to be the first ever male pregnancy, why would we ever want to get rid of the baby?

Um, because the baby is some hellish freak of nature that managed to be conceived in a guy instead of a girl? Am I the only one who seems to be thinking 'ALIEN INVASION' here?!

Then there would be all the different food cravings. Woo hoo. Sounds like a _barrel_ of fun. And I'm guessing that some of you may actually have an idea of how much damn milk a pregnant mother has to drink, and all the different things they have to do with their meals to make it _healthy_ for the baby.

Screw the baby, it's not even supposed to be inside me, so I'm not drinking all that milk if I don't want to. And I damn well don't want to.

And then, of course, I get as wonderfully round as a hot air balloon. You can just tell how much fun this sounds like to me. All that exercise I did to get that nice, firm stomach you fangirls love so much? Gone. Because after the baby actually does manage to get out, my skin will be all stretched from well, _stretching_ to fit the baby in the first place.

And all this so that I can become some publicized freak before I push a watermelon out my ass. My hips aren't even built for stretching like a girl's, and somehow I'll have to manage to fit a baby's head through. And from there it's onto the baby coddling, and more publicity, and changing diapers, and no chance at being a teenage boy ever again, much less getting much time off to actually look for the Philosopher's Stone.

Um, I think I'll pass.

This is why all of you belong in a mental hospital! Just the whole idea of "Let's make Edo-kun preggers!" is enough for me to want to get a restraining order. But even the thought of being forced to stay a certain amount of feet away from me probably isn't even enough, is it? I'm sure there's a good chunk of you that would be willing to get arrested just so you could get one kiss on me. Excuse me while I hurl.

And no, just because I don't want to get pregnant as a guy does not mean you then have the right to turn me into a damn _girl_. Just to set the record straight – I do _not_ want boobs. Never have, never will. And that also applies to wearing the color pink, skirts, dresses lipstick, blush, eyeshadow, makeup of any kind, nail polish, high heels, girly hair products, or anything else that make me look the least bit like a girl. I'm not doing any of it, especially to please you fangirls.

And, oh, I'm not shaving my legs either.

I really would rather prefer to stay a guy than turn into a girl. I may only have a vague idea of what happens to a girl during puberty, but I really don't think I want to have a go at growing hips and boobs or having that period-thingy of yours.

But that just makes the story sooo much better, doesn't it? Not only is Ed and angsty, foul-mouthed teenager to begin with, now let's see what happens when 'that time of the month' comes around.

Someone will die, that's what will happen.

And by the way, what the hell is attractive about a pregnant guy turned into a girl? I don't think I would find a girl who suddenly grew a penis the least bit appealing.

**Note:** Okay, so I promised myself that update anything until I finished A Strange Arrival, but I couldn't resist after reading a _certain_ fanfic today. Besides, this is short _and_ I just posted for Strange Arrival yesterday, so nnyh.

ANYwho… I would like to thank you all for making what I originally thought to be some insignificant fanfic that wasn't funny such a big hit! A Note to the Fangirls has an average of 21.66 reviews per chapter! I consider that to be a HUGE achievement, especially when I started with just two reviews on the first thing I ever ever posted on fanfiction. But over 20 reviews per chapter?! –faints-

Yeah, I decided to go over the numbers. Maybe it would have been better if I didn't…


	5. Ed's Fifth Note

**AdventureAddict doesn't own Fullmetal Alchemist, but she sure is tired of him taking over the laptop. She doesn't think he realizes that she wants to post for her stories, since readers are getting anxious and it is Thanksgiving break…**

Yes, I know, it's been a while since I last wrote a note. Get off my back! Do you think that it is my only purpose in life to entertain you damn fangirls? And you way shake your heads at this, but I bet that deep down you're really nodding yes. Why else would you watch me on TV? Let's think about what TV is for a moment. _Entertainment. _And I have a show on TV. Hmm…

Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

You might as well just dress me up in a butler costume and have me serve you tea. I mean, I've already been put in all sorts of weird costumes by you dumb fangirls. There was the Sailor Moon costume, (Child of the Dragon, this means you!) schoolgirl costume, cat costumes, and then, of course, someone got the brilliant idea to dress me up in a shrimp costume. Shrimp. As in the 'under the sea' variety.

Yeah. Ha ha ha. It's so funny to dress Ed up in Halloween costumes gone horribly wrong. You know what I would wear to go trick or treating? The same clothes I wear all the other days of the week. "Trick or Treat, I'm Edward Elric!" Voila. Free candy without the hassle of getting a costume. But I know I would definitely **not **get dressed up in a skirt. We've been over this before. I DO NOT wear skirts!

And then you go and say, "Well, maybe they do that for Easy Access."

Gee whiz, I feel so much better about being dressed up in a skirt now! After all, it's only for 'Easy Access!' And you don't want to go against that! Maybe we can just line all the fangirls up in front of me and they can each have five minutes with Edward Elric!

And that paragraph above? That's what's called _sarcasm._ Learn to use it, learn to love it. If we really lined up all the FMA fangirls, the line would probably never end. And there would probably be mass chaos.

But _really._ I'm never going to put on a damn skirt, especially not for 'easy access!' And not even real girls wear skirts all the time! A big majority of girls go around wearing pants! You know how weird it would be if I wore a skirt more than Winry?!

"Winry! Check out the new skirt I got! Isn't it is so adorable?! Doesn't it totally bring out my eyes?!"

Uh, no. Wait, let me change that. _Hell _no. That is never going to happen. And what is so attractive about a guy in a skirt, anyway? If some guy at school walked in wearing a skirt, wouldn't you think it was a little, well, _weird_? Especially if it wasn't some Scottish guy in a kilt? No, I mean like the kind of skirt you would see in Aeropostale.

And _excuse me_ if they don't sell skirts there. I don't really go shopping for skirts, so I don't suppose I would really _know_.

I don't suppose you guys would cut this all out if I stopped wearing the black leather pants and cut my hair short, would you? Because if the solution was that simple, I would have done it a _long_ time ago. I'm sick of having you fangirls drool over my every move! If you really think about it, I'm just another one of those science geeks you all hate!

Okay, a science geek with a bit more of a fashion sense and muscles, but still. My heart rate goes up slightly when I see the periodic table. I do math problems and experiments in my spare time. I carry an alchemy book with me almost everywhere I go. I spend my spare time researching in the library, for pete's sake!

And then you want to put me in a skirt for 'easy access.' I don't understand any of you. I really don't.

Oh, and another thing while I've got you all paying attention…

There are only seven deadly sins. Lust, Gluttony, Envy, Pride, Wrath, Sloth, and Greed. That's it. No more! You can't just decide, "Oh, someone else did another human transmutation, so now there's the homunculus Rejection, which Ed happens to fall in love with!"

First of all, we've been over pairing of me and an OC. Secondly, there is no deadly sin of "Rejection" or whatever the hell else you decide to make up that doesn't fall under the other seven categories. Why else do you think they're called the _seven_ deadly sins? There is no mysterious eighth sin!

And also, why do you think it's so common for human transmutations to be done? These homunculi do live several _thousand_ years, so they've had a bit of time to accumulate.

"But, oh, it's just so _fun_ to bring in a new homunculus! I just _looooove_ the homunculi!"

Yeah, I sure do love the homunculi. They're trying to kill me on a regular basis, but other than that, they're a lot of fun. I'm sure that a new homunculi would only add to my joy. Whoop-ee. And if it's a guy that happens to be even more gay than Envy, I think I might just kill myself out of pure joy.

Once again, that was _sarcasm_. Though I probably would kill myself anyway if a homunculus like that showed up. I'd rather commit suicide than die because of him. We already got a palm tree, now let's get an evergreen tree!

And who's going to end up getting rid of this new homunculus? Me. I always have to clean up after you damn fangirls and your damn fanfiction. Just do us all a favor and stick to the _real _seven sins, okay? That's more than enough for me.

**Note:** I don't really like this one as much… hm… oh well. Happy Thanksgiving to you peoples! Now I'm going to go work on other fanfics! Sorry if this rant was a bit more sucky than the others… D:


	6. Ed's Christmas Note

**Hmm. AdventureAddict says I have to put in one of these disclaimer thingies to make sure she doesn't get sued. So, no, I don't own a deed to myself or anything, but do I really a damn deed?**

Man, all you fangirls sure do have a lot of Christmas spirit. I can't even begin to list all the different Christmas fanfics that have started popping up since the beginning of December. So let's get at least one thing straight:

Christmas doesn't exist in Amestris.

That's it, plain and simple. And while the whole story of baby Jesus being born in a manger to die for your sins is _fascinating_, I'm sure, that story just doesn't exist in my world. Hence, no Christmas. Hence, Evergreen trees are not called 'Christmas trees.' Hence, no presents left under the tree. Hence, there's no damn Santa Claus!

Which means that Mustang _cannot_ dress up in a Santa costume and attempt to seduce me, but that's a different subject.

It also means that nobody can go sit on Santa's lap and tell the fat guy what they want for Christmas. I don't see why you guys make such a big deal out of that, anyway. You're just telling some fat stranger with a beard and a red suit that you want some toy that he's not even going to remember. Personally, I think it would be more productive to sit on your grandfather's lap and tell him what you want, and it'd probably have close to the same feeling, if not better.

And talk about scientific problems when it comes to Santa! I would believe in the tooth fairy more than some million year old fatso flying around the world in a _sleigh_ with eight _reindeer_. Okay, nine if you count Rudolph, but I personally don't think that the added weight is going to help at all. Santa is already carrying presents for all the kids around the world, so I don't think some weird reindeer with a light bulb for a nose is going to help any.

"But it's a time of _magic_," I can hear you all saying. Well, you know, just because a little snow fell on the ground doesn't mean that all the scientific laws suddenly disappear.

And speaking of 'magical times,' there's also none of this 'if you're caught under the mistletoe, then you have to kiss' crap. If people in Amestris saw mistletoe hanging in their front room, they would pull it down, throw it out, and maybe call someone to see if there's a hole in their roof that's letting plants grow through. They wouldn't think it's the perfect reason to have a smooch with whoever's nearby.

It sounds like one of Mustang's ideas, if you ask me.

Or maybe he and Havoc came up with it together.

And where is the logic in putting a dead tree in your house and hanging lights on it? Some loony probably thought he could put an evergreen tree in his house to bring in nature's Christmas spirit of in with him, and now everybody's doing it! It's almost as idiotic as fashion trends!

And then you go and put all your expensive gifts underneath it. Well, that's smart. You cut down the tree in the woods and it's not as steady as it once was, and now you're going to put hundreds of dollars worth of stuff right underneath it. _Real_ smart.

And also, there's no Charles Dickens in Amestris, and even if there was, I would _not_ be cast in the role of Scrooge. The whole point to Scrooge is that he's old and doesn't have much time to fix his mistakes, so he has to change immediately. _I_, however, have got plenty of time to screw up and try to fix my life before I die. Not to mention the fact that I would sleep right through the spirits' appearances.

And just to let you know, I would never be caught dead saying "Bah, humbug." I am _not _eighty years old!

But there're just so many inaccuracies in your 'holiday spirit' fanfics due to the simple fact that kids in Amestris are not raised on Christmas. Or Hanukah or Kwanza, for that matter, though I've never seen any fanfics for those. We have different holidays than you crazy fangirls, and we're happy like that. Maybe it's due to the fact that companies in Amestris haven't quite grasped the idea of 'Consumer Holidays' yet.

Okay, I'll admit it, giving someone a present can make you feel really nice inside. But you've all taken Equivalent Exchange to the extreme over there. "She's not giving me something, so I won't give her anything either!" "He got me a present, so I have to make sure and get him something before the stores run out!" Whatever happened to giving just for sake of giving? How about screwing Equivalent Exchange for just a day?

You know what, I really don't care. Just don't force Christmas on us through your fanfics. We're fine the way we are.

Stop laughing like that! I'm dead serious!!! You close Word right now!! Right now!!

**Note:** A special Christmas Eve update to boost all your spirits for the holiday. And yes, Arakawa said herself that Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc. does not exist in Amestris. That would mean that there's also none of these Christmas military dances that keep appearing in fanfics. Sorry to burst your bubbles.


	7. Ed's Seventh Note

Some weird lady named Hiromu Arakawa went and stole my life story so now I have to sit here and say and I don't own myself because she 'owns' me. Think I'm happy? Because I'm not.

Okay, giving me a stick with some weird hair in it is not going to instantly want me to teach alchemy to some kid with a weird cut on his forehead. End of story, done.

Yeah, enough of you were curious about my views on Harry Potter crossovers that I figured I'd tell you. Guess I'm in a slightly nicer mood than usual, yippee. And if you don't know about Harry Potter, then screw you, you strange, deprived child!

So you want what I think on Harry Potter crossovers? Okay, I'll give it to you. If the author doesn't think, they suck. Just making Mustang send me on a mission to teach alchemy to some kids because the Dark Lord is coming doesn't count as actually thinking your fanfic through.

There is no London in Amestris! Plain and simple, folks! I can't just hop on a train and go to Hogwarts when there isn't even an England in my world!

And secondly, even if by some miracle I end up in England, what makes all of you think I'd be happy teaching alchemy to a bunch of kids? Kids that are my age and older, even. I don't want to think about how I'd be bullied, and to top that off, with just a few words the kids can make me barf up slugs.

The only reason I think would make me go to Hogwarts is the fact that there was once a Philosopher's Stone there. But after that it was destroyed, so screw you, Hogwarts.

And then I go and make friends with the three heroes. Never mind that I think magic is stupid because it goes against all the laws of science, and that _because_ it goes against the laws I would want to use it to restore Al's body, oh no. We're just going to keep Al as a soul connected to a suit of armor and have a dandy time at magic school!

"Well, _of course_, I'll help you defeat You-Know-Who, Harry! And we'll be best mates and write to each other over the summer and have the grandest time at Hogwarts!"

Um, yeah, right. And since when did I have a British accent, might I ask?

Yeah, all the high-school drama sounds _thrilling_. Hating teachers, studying for tests, joining the school team, getting bullied by some rich asshole… Well, of course I'm going to want to stop traveling around the country independently to do all that under adult supervision! That's just what every teenager wants to do!

Which brings me around to the next topic: the dreaded AUs, also known as the Alternate Universe stories. Mostly having to do with sending me to high school. I'm sure you all just love that.

Okay, I could understand a parallel universe where Al and I wouldn't have done transmutation because Alchemy doesn't exist and that sort of thing, but once again, you fangirls don't think when you write these stories.

First of all, there's no way there's going to be some dark-haired kid named 'Roy' in one of my classes. First off, Mustang is fifteen years older than me, so he's not going to be in school unless he's a teacher. Which is also very unlikely, considering that he grew up in a different hometown than Resembool. He's not going to go all the way to some other town for no reason other than the fact that Edward Elric is there.

Secondly, there are also not going to be homunculi students. They were created hundreds of years ago with alchemy. Which, if there's no alchemy for Al and me to use, then there's no alchemy to create homunculi. They died a long time ago and don't concern us.

And when you do put then in school with me and Al, you don't even bother changing their names at all. Who the hell names their kid 'Envy,' anyway? You can't even change it to something like 'Evan' and say that he has long green hair and likes to wear skorts? I'm pretty sure most of the readers would figure out who he's supposed to be.

Do you enjoy AUs just because it means I'm up to date on all your technology, I watch the same sort of TV shows as you do, and go through the same melodramatic high school pain that you teenage fangirls do? Do you hate the fact that I'm "old-fashioned" because I don't eat Ramen daily and don't have a TV set in my living room.

Hell, I don't even have a living room.

Would you prefer it if I woke up every day, made my bed, ate breakfast, went to school, came home, did my homework, had dinner, and had my mom ask me how my day was?

Okay, so I don't mind the thought of that so much, it's just when every single damn character in all of the series is going to my high school that it gets annoying.

These AU stories almost make me sound _normal_. And while I may be normal in the sense that I'm very similar to all teenage boys to walk the face of the planet, I'm not _boring_ normal. If I was _boring_ normal, there wouldn't be a show about me and none of you would be fangirls.

On second thought, maybe high school isn't such a bad idea. Equivalent Exchange for getting rid of all of you …

**Note:** Haha, I have to go back to school tomorrow. I hate you Ed. It's like your purposefully pointing out to me just how much school stinks… T.T

And yeah, I figured that enough people knew about Harry Potter that it'd be safe to put in here. I think someone else also mentioned Naruto crossovers in a review? Sorry, to disappoint, but I only read the first manga of Naruto and didn't see any of the anime, so no rants on that.


	8. Ed's Eighth Note

**I don't feel like saying I don't own myself today. Because really, all that's a bunch of bullshit.**

Really, I don't even know why I'm still doing these notes. It doesn't seem like any of you are getting the points, considering that you mostly write responses in the form of "Oh my gosh, it was hilarious! Write more soon!" Alright, I'll admit that there were the few of you that were apologetic, and for that I'm grateful. But as a whole, it's not like a few words from me is going to suddenly change Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction.

In fact, if anything, I might just be spurring you damn fangirls on. Or, if you're not a fangirl and you just clicked on this because it sounded interesting, then you're probably not that bad to begin with.

So then why I would decide to continue writing these? Two words: stress reliever. Lucky for all of you, I know you all enjoy it when I completely lose my temper over something that isn't all that significant. Well, gee, thanks. I feel so super.

It's like you've decided to make me into your own personal puppet just because I happen to be he one guy who tickles your fancy. You go and have all these crazy stories where I do all sorts of strange things, including replying to letters I receive from you.

And for the record, I would never just go "Hm. A bunch of crazy fangirls are writing to me and asking about any personal little thing they possibly can. I think I'll tell them everything they want to know." No. I would freak out, wondering how a bunch of girls managed to get in contact with me, and trying to figure out why they're all so insane.

And you don't even waste my time with useful questions. You ask stupid things like what I would do if I knew I was the love of many teenage girls across the world. Well, you want to know what I would do? I wouldn't sit down and calmly write a letter reply, oh no, I'd probably rant and rave about it after learning I couldn't go out and individually kill each fangirl.

Like I'm doing now, you smartasses.

I think that since all of you are so obsessed with me, you could probably figure out the answers to most of your questions if you just gave them a bit of thought before writing them down. Usually writing the first thing that pops into your head is not a good idea.

But why would I ever want to sit down and waste my life away just encouraging all of you? At least with this I feel calmer at the end than I did at the beginning, but if I was responding to letters like the ones you guys write, I would probably end up more stressed than when I began.

And really, I've got plenty of better things to do. Like track down the Philosopher's Stone. Or read a book. Or spar with Al. Really, they would all come way before responding to a bunch of stupid letters that claim I'm "kawaii."

And really I don't have all the time for the things that you usually end up making me do in your stories. Like teaching some random girl how to do alchemy properly so she could pass the test to become a State Alchemist.

Problem One: Like I said, I really don't have the time to sink a few hours every day into teaching someone I barely even know.

Problem Two: I don't really _want_ to teach someone how to do alchemy well. I had enough trouble explaining some of the things to Al when he didn't understand; I know that I would have way more trouble trying to explain it to someone else.

Problem Three: I never knew that another genius teenage alchemist was roaming around the city!

A why is it suddenly decided that I should be the one to teach this sudden genius? I mean, sure, I'm a kid and everything so she would relate with me better, but I'm really not up to that sort of thing yet. An adult would have gone through much more in their life and be more ready to teach someone. I mean, she is preparing for the State Alchemist exam, after all. I know I wouldn't want some teenager screwing that up for me.

The thing is, even though I've done all sorts of weird stuff, I'm still not grown up yet. I would like to take advantage of that while I still have a few opportunities. I don't want to spend my few spare moments doing things that I'll have plenty of time to do as an adult.

To put it simply, the world really does not revolve around you. Just because you think I'm cool and want me to do something doesn't mean I will. Maybe if you actually put some more effort into your attempts, then I might pay attention to you. But right now, all the fangirls I've met have just reminded me of cookie cutters.

Now cut it out! I am _not_ your own personal doll to play with!

**Yep, finally another rant. Took me a bit. I'm in a bit of a bad mood though, (yes, despite writing Ed's rant) so I don't really feel like commenting much. Um, thanks again for all the response on this, it really has been very cool. :D**


	9. Ed's Ninth Note

**No, I don't own myself, unfortunately. I have the feeling that if I did actually did own myself I would be in much better control of my life at the moment.**

Alright, I know by now that there is no possible way to stop all of you from writing fanfiction. Fangirls and fanfiction are like peanut butter and jelly in the fact that they're deadly together and cannot possibly be stopped. But even if I can't stop you from writing it, could you at least make your stories look nice?

By that I mean that if you don't know what the word "grammar" means by now, you need to stop writing fanfiction, go look it up, and make sure to have someone hit you over the head. I would volunteer to do it myself, but I think that doing that for everyone who asked would keep me way too busy.

Alright, I'll admit, even my grammar, shocking as this may be, isn't all that great when I'm writing notes just to remember things or keep track of my thoughts. But if someone came up to me and said they wanted to publish my notes in a book—crazy as the thought is—then I would go back and make sure that every damn comma and apostrophe was in the right place before I let the world see it.

I mean, that's almost what you're doing when you post up one of the latest chapters of your story. Sure, it's not an actual book, so it's allowed to be a little rough, but WrItInG lIkE tHiS Is BaD, putting, commas, after, every, word, is, bad, and you definitely don't want to just keep writing and writing and writing without and paragraph breaks or commas or hell even a period would help a bit but no you just keep going and going and going and before you know it all your readers have headaches or half of them have exited out of the story out of sheer frustration.

Hey wait, why am I giving you this advice if it helps you pull in more readers and make more people all… ack?

Eh, screw it. At least if you learned a bit of how sentences are formed in proper English then it might not be _as_ scary to think of what all of you are plotting against me. Yes, plotting. I know how your minds work. Somewhat. Not really.

Anyway, back to the wonderful subject of grammar. Sure, I bet that it's a bitch to learn in school, but maybe if Edward Elric gave you a lesson himself then you might pay attention. Yeah, that's what I thought. And no, you do not get a second lesson if your grammar continues to suck, but nice try.

So, you see that little button over there by the enter key? Hit shift and then hit the button and you come out with " " those little guys. They're called Mr. And Mrs. Quotation mark. They like to hug whatever words someone is saying, and they don't like to be apart from each other.

Oh shut the hell up, I know what I sound like.

So when someone says something, then you put a pair of those little suckers around what they're saying so that people can easily tell the difference between what someone is saying and what's not, well, dialogue. You also want to enter between lines of diologue so that people know that someone else is saying it.

Oh, so you want an example too, you greedy demanding leeches? Alright, fine, I'll write a damn example for you then. Jeez.

_Hey where are the cookies Al asked as he walked into the room. I looked up from my book curiously. I'm kind of hungry. You should eat something other than sugar. But I don't want something healthy I want sugar. Why do I always have to be the example around here I sighed._

Alright, you're laughing, I know it. Jeez. Give and give, and what do I get? Laughing fangirls. So then if you just make it a bit easier to read, it turns out somewhat like this instead.

"_Hey, where are the cookies?" Al asked as he walked into the room. I looked up from my book curiously. "I'm kind of hungry." _

"_You should eat something other than sugar."_

"_But I don't want something healthy, I want sugar!" _

"_Why do I always have to be the example around here?" I sighed._

There, is that really so damn hard to do? And it saves so many headaches. Just commas, quotation marks, and the enter button can make so much of a difference. Throw in a few question marks and exclamation marks and it makes it even better.

I don't really want to read fanfiction as it is, but I'd be more willing to gouge my eyes out with a spoon due to grammatically correct femEdRoy stuff than to gouge my eyes out with a spoon due to the story of a tall Ed that makes no sense because of horrible grammar. No, I'm not kidding, now shut up.

Fine I'll leave it up to you then. Which of my two little snippets would you rather sit down and read?

And if you say the first one, get the hell off of this website before I find a way to kill you through the computer. If I'm sitting here giving lessons, then some of it had better damn well get through your head!

**Note: **...Yeah. for once there was only one subject in this rant other than the usual two. Hey, it seems that Ed really does follow some rules, doesn't he? XD And yes, I agree, grammar is king.

And what is it with Ed and always suddenly deciding to write these rants spontaneously? It can get annoying, especially if you're in the middle of writing something else. Ah well, that's Ed for you.

Still haven't run out of topics completely, so I suppose these will continue at the "I'll do it whenever I damn well please" rate they've had. Though really, would Ed ever run out of topics to rant about, even if they have to be related to fanfiction?


	10. Ed's sheesh TENTH note

Alright, I've actually got some free time on my hands (yes, amazing, I know) so I might as well write something down for these out-of-control note things. It's really kind of stupid that I keep writing these when I don't see too much of a point anymore, but hey, these things have got to be said sooner or later, I suppose.

Damn fangirls.

Anyway, Lecturer Elric is talking about something very important today, alright kiddies? It's called the art of the Mary-Sue. Or better yet, the non-art of the Mary Sue. Better yet, the Mary-Sue shit.

Yeah, that's right, this is the Mary-Sue shit note, you knew it was coming.

Specifically, Mary-Sues within the FMA fanfics. Now, let's look at common example number one. And yes, I'm making up these examples up, and I'm using stereotypes within each sort of FMA fanfic basic plot, but… Aw, screw it.

So, common example number one is an old friend—who so happens to be a girl—from Resembool that was never mentioned in the anime or manga, but has known me and Al since we were wee tots.

Damn, I can't believe I just used the word "wee" in a sentence. What, am I Scottish now?

ANYWAY… So this girl has known us since we were kids, but then we go and disappear on her. Then one day, she suddenly shows up in Central and surprises the shit out of us, right? Our old close friend is suddenly back and now I get to fall in love with her and give her candy and flowers and all that other Mary-Sue shit! Oh, happy day!

NO.

Moving on to the second example…

This girl, isn't from our world, but instead a magical world where alchemy doesn't exist, but this girl can read about FMA day and night. In fact, she's already in love with me and she hasn't even met me!

Well, loves me for how I look and general "Ed-ness." She'll love me for who I really, truly am and be close friends with me later in the story.

So anyway, she's a total FMA nut, and then somehow, she magically end up within the pages of FMA, face to face with me first, of course! She realizes that she has to do something in order to survive then, so she then asks me to train her in alchemy, and she also manages to become a State Alchemist! Then la-dee-da, we go on adventures, and eventually realize we each like each other, share out deepest darkest secrets, feel betrayed by the other, get back together and otherwise live happily every after.

I swear, I'm going to grind my teeth down to powder at this rate.

So… Third example!

The fighter of a Mary-Sue. This would be the girl who either comes from your world and either doesn't know or doesn't care about FMA, or comes from my world and has only heard passing rumors about me, not enough to become obsessed.

Either way, this girl usually manages to become a State Alchemist as well, joy upon joys, and is probably partnered with me, surprise, surprise. This girl I don't hit off well with at first. We usually end up constantly butting heads, getting into fights, stepping on each others toes, and then apologizing when Al tells us to, or one of us suddenly realizes the error or our ways or whatever.

Yeah, it sounds like a real match made in heaven.

So this chaos and bickering ensues until one day, we suddenly realize that we're friends, and then all of a sudden we start calming down and treating each other better. And then—gasp!—we suddenly both realize we've got the hots for each other!

And you know what seems to be an underlying trait among all these fangirls? Well, besides the falling in love with me part. They all seem to have brown hair and glasses!

Now, not that I've got anything against brown hair and glasses, but come on. Can't you come up with anything more original than that? Or do most of you FMA fangirls simply have brown hair and glasses and you all want to insert yourselves into the story?

Yeah, I think I'd bet my money on that one.

And another thing, these original characters you seem to all make up usually wind up having automail of some kind. Not all of them, sure, and not quite as common as the brown hair and glasses, but it happens a damn awful lot. Usually as a toll for passing from their world to the FMA world, or whatever other shit you end up coming up with.

And then there's the fact that their mother died, or their father beat them, or some sort of tragic past, blah, blah, blah. A Mary-Sue just isn't complete without a tragic past, now are they?

Really, the most common traits seem to be the brown hair and glasses, gifted with alchemy, hanging around me constantly, a tragic past, and probably having automail or a State Alchemist watch in their pocket. Or even both.

Oh yeah, and the fact that none of these characters seem to have a Y chromosome in their bodies. It's always girls landing at our feet, never really guys. That would be a change of pace.

And no, that doesn't mean write yaoi with me and a guy OC, jeez. Ever hear of just friends? No really, only friends, that's all. No romance at all in the future between the two of them.

Really, a girl who's so perfect and does everything so great isn't the least bit attractive. No, really. And not flawed in a way that she's still perfect, a girl who actually messes up, and isn't the typical Japanese character that's always messing up but is constantly blushing and apologizing for doing so. What about a girl who messes up, and has trouble moving on, maybe even needs some help getting to her feet, but still stumbles through life as best she can?

Because really, isn't that what we're all doing? Mary-Sues are annoying because that's what everyone wishes they were and exactly what no one can ever be.

**Note:** Heh heh… -sweatdrops- Those of you who might know me and have a brown haired glasses wearing girl in their story, I don't hate you really. I like a lot of fanfics with OCs in them, actually. Ed is just… aggressive, very aggressive in his notes, heh. So… yeah. I still like the ones I've said I like, I swear!


	11. Ed's Eleventh Note

sarahelric091 said:_ "first of all u are not __Edward elric__ he doesn't exsist everybody knows that so what would u know but i think ur right about somethings but not everything."  
_

Right.

Well, for starters, hello there, Sarah-girl-I've-never-heard-but-just-so-happens-to-be-my-wife. Oh, wait, you're the ninety-first Sarah Elric. I guess that means I've got ninety other Sarah Elrics hidden in some closet somewhere, huh? That would sure be one crowded closet. Funny though, I don't remember my wedding at all… Or, make that wedding**s**. Can't go forgetting the other ninety Sarah Elrics, can we?

Now, the question is, which part of my unknown wife's review should I respond to first?

Well, let's start with that amazing grammar. It's amazing how just by ignoring the SHIFT button and the c,o,m,m,a button, you manage to make yourself look so much less intelligent that if you were to hit each once or twice.

Like that review up there? Say someone were to write the exact same words, but with some grammar.

"First of all, you are not Edward Elric, he doesn't exist. Everybody knows that, so what would you know? But I think you're right about some things, but not everything."

Okay, now that's actually a review that looks intelligent enough on the surface for me to respond to and not feel as guilty about. On the surface. Now that the grammar's out of the way, there's a chance to actually look at the meaning of the words.

Wait, you mean there's supposed to be a message conveyed through my words when I hit those white thingies on the keyboard? I can't believe it!

Okay, so first of all, as Mrs. I-don't-know-how-she-got-to-be-an-Elric put it, let's address the issue of me not being Edward Elric.

Let's not even deal with the issue of me being Edward Elric or not, even though I sure as hell feel like Edward Elric. Nah, let's just deal with the fact that we're on a fanfiction site. FanFICTION. Oh, right, I forgot that you might not have the best vocabulary. "Fiction" is when both the author and the reader know that the story is not, per se, "real." So thank you very much, most people think when they read this that it is only an author exploring the boundaries of a character, or whatever you want to call it.

Oh, and might I mention the irony of "Sarah _Elric_" being the one to accuse _me_ of not being real? Hey, at least I'm actually one of the accepted characters on this site. What category would a Sarah Elric fall under? Oh yeah, that would be "OC."

Pwn.

Second, the question of what I would know.

Again, look back to the word _fiction_. I never claimed I knew for a fact that because I am Edward Elric in these rants, my words are the word of your god and must be obeyed to the letter, or else ye shall perish in hell and know mine automail wrath.

Even if, let's just go way out there for a minute, say I really _were_ Edward Elric. Even as Edward Elric I wouldn't claim that I know _everything_. Even if I act like a smart ass, it doesn't make me an expert on all there ever was and will be. When I write something like this, it's _my_ feelings. Not yours, not the feelings you're required to feel by law. I'm just getting out my view of the world so that maybe, just _maybe_, someone else out there will read it and have a chance to grow intellectually.

Obviously that wasn't you.

What would I know about Edward Elric? Hm. There's a tough one. I probably know more than you would ever give me credit for, Sarah Elric. Yes, you, being a fangirl who has read or seen manga/anime about my life, know more about my life then me. And that I would marry some weird chick named Sarah who doesn't even know how to use proper grammar.

Of course! How could I not have known that before! I am such an idiot; I've been thinking I'd marry the wrong sort of girl all along! I'd much rather spend the rest of my life with a girl who constantly makes me want to twitch and gag!

What I've discovered in meeting plenty of strange, weird girls through my life, is that the more certain they act of how well they know your personality, the less they probably do. If I asked Winry how well she knew me off the top of her head, she'd be able to list plenty of things, but she'd also be able to list plenty more questions. Because when you love someone, whatever info you know about them never seems like enough.

Now, the girls who never ask any questions about you, now those are the dangerous ones. The smart asses who act like they know everything, that's the sort of people I despise hanging around. Because truthfully, you can never know everything, even in just one subject. Even I would admit to that. What good is learning if you can reach a point where you never need to learn again?

Alchemists wouldn't even exist if that were true. The whole point to alchemy is asking questions, exploring. If you knew that after a certain point all questions were able to be answered and everyone knew it, what would be the point of asking them in the first place? Only one person would ever need to ask the questions, and that'd be all the growing society could ever accomplish. The only good question is one you can seek out the answer to yourself.

So, Sarah Elric, I want to say thanks for such a hilarious review. You also made me realize just how pointless these notes really are, since obviously a true fangirl is even more stubborn than me and will never budge, no matter how long someone may sit and shout and them.

And one confession to leave you all with:

Yes, everyone says Edward Elric is not real. But I'm going to also say that I'm not AdventureAddict either. No, I'm dead serious. You figure out what I mean by it.

Have fun.


	12. Ed's Twelfth Note

Oh, you fangirls are fun to tweak. No, really, when I said, "I am NOT AdventureAddict," I _meant_ "I am NOT AdventureAddict." Not "I'm not AdventureAddict because I'm portraying a character in these notes!" I didn't mean that actually, I am AdventureAddict, I'm just _pretending_.

Well, maybe.

Nah. I'm confusing myself, and that's pretty bad.

Okay, let's put it this way. AdventureAddict and I are two separate entities. We have separate minds, separate memories, separate existence. Have you crazy fangirls even considered that sometimes friends post things on one another's fanfiction accounts? That I'll give you as a fact to work with. Now, whether the friend of AdventureAddict's that posts things on her fanfic account is _really_ Edward Elric or not, that I'll leave up to you.

And for the record, I don't think I laid out that no, I am _not_ Edward Elric because he doesn't exist. I said "Everyone _says _Edward Elric is not real." _Says_. If Mustang _say_s I'm short, does that make it true? Not necessarily.

Okay, maybe that's a bad example.

Gasp. Yes, I've matured enough that I can now poke fun at my own height. Go ahead, throw the short insults at me, fangirls, I can take them like a man now! Ha!

Let's see… Ah. If Rosé _says _that Cornello is only trying to do good for Lior and would never lead the town astray, does that make it true? Hell, if Cornello _says_ it himself, does even that make it true? Hell no.

So… what to rant about this time, eh, fangirls? It's strange to look back and see how I've matured since… when did this thing start, anyway?

27 June 2007? Damn… Do I have no life or something? Then again, twelve rants in over a year… Okay, I take that back, I must have something that occupies my time otherwise. Oh yeah, Al and Addict.

And yeah, I hang out with her. This should not be a problem, since I have distinguished myself as a second entity next to Addict. Now, if it really was her writing these and she said she hangs out with Edward freaking Elric on a regular basis, now that would be bad.

Or not. Confusing myself again. I seem to be good at that recently.

Ha. The computer hates all my Amestrian words. Easily distracted. Hey, Addict, add the word "Elric" to the computer dictionary already, you sure as hell use it enough.

Yes, I'm acting strange…er this note than I usually do. Either suck it up or go read some other fanfic. That's right, you heard me.

So… Weird to look back at those other notes from over a year ago. I look back at those years and cringe now. Every time I see an example of how I behaved back then, I think, "Hell, I was one whiny little brat." Wait, am I ranting about myself this note?

Anyway, now that I've matured somewhat more than I used to be, I can actually look at these reviews you fangirls leave me and think of better things to say than "Fuck you! I don't need your approval!" Well, I still don't need your approval, but I have half a brain for social interaction now.

So… Damn, I'm going to shoot myself in the foot saying this, but. I'm going to reply to some reviews from now on. Notice how I don't say "all." You want me to reply to your review, you have to have something good to say. I'm doing this for my fun, not yours, so I'll only reply to something worth replying to.

So yes, from now on, I'm open for questions. Shoot me if it doesn't work out. And I'm not putting names. I'm a lazy ass. Look up your own review and see if I refer to something you said if you're curious.

"_OH, Ed, you're so cute when you rant!"_

…

Sigh. Has nothing I've said the past eleven notes penetrated your thick skull?

"_Since when did I grow a brain?! I thought it died after reading Breaking Dawn (You know, BD. In the Twilight series... ultimate crap.)"_

That would kill a brain. Edward Cullen is a disgrace to all golden eyed Edwards everywhere. If there's more than us two. He's mine to kill. Painfully and slowly I'm going to kill that Cullen bastard.

And yeah, for the record, I've read the disgrace to literature known as the Twilight saga. Over someone's shoulder, but I have read it. I would have rather taken a bullet from Riza to the skull. Serves me right for loving books and deciding to read as many as I can.

"_By any chance, are you a masochist?" _

What the hell is up with that? No, just because I chose to get automail does not make me a masochist. Uh, hello, maybe you don't need all limbs to create the Philosopher's Stone (Though that would be a challenge) but I'd say that it's not wise to have your little brother push you in a wheelchair into the exam room for State Alchemists. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think that would work.

As far as I know, I haven't ever met someone who got automail just because they enjoyed pain. You'd have to be pretty damn dedicated to pain in order to do that. Especially if you haven't lost your lims beforehand and decide to just cut them off to get automail.

I'm not a masochist just because I opted to go for a life where I didn't have to live in a wheelchair until I died. Even if I hadn't become a State Alchemist I would have gotten automail. Hell, lots of people besides me do, and that doesn't make them masochists. It's useful. Yes, hella painful, but there's lots of benefits if you're willing to get over the "I'm in agony" part of it. Is a kid a masochist if he decides to go to school when he feels sick because he doesn't want to fall behind?

Maybe that's a bad example, but it's the best I could come up with that relates to your crazy world. I'm not a masochist just because I grit my teeth and decided to deal with the pain of automail because I thought it'd help my life more than a wheelchair would.

Oh and the other point. I don't let Winry because I'm masochistic. She hits me with those things because A. She is damn fast and catches me by surprise. B. I'm not going to use martial arts on her. I try not to hit girls, especially childhood friends.

"_No, I'm not gonna call you Ed, or Edward, or Eddy-poo((o_o)Who am I to call you Eddy-poo, your wife?!)."_

Yeah, you'd better not. I might be more mature than I used to be, but the only person who'd be able to call me that and live would have to be a wife or fiancé or very close girlfriend or something else along those lines.

"_Anyway, how's the family?"_

Um. Fine. Does this strike anyone else as somewhat creepy? I don't know you, do I?

"_Of course. AA is clearly straight. You. Don't. Like. Touching. Woman's. Breasts. I mean, look at Psiren! They were huge! And you got so scared! I mean, if that's you, that's okay. But dude. You can't even pretend to be AA."_

Let me set the record straight. I. DO. Like. Touching. Women's. Breasts.

That sounds horrible.

The only thing with Psiren is that's an awkward and strange situation. Plus in the middle of a fight is not exactly when I want to be enjoying breast-touching, especially when it would give the other opponent a clear advantage.

The only reason I yelp and leap away when I accidentally touch a girl's breasts is mostly because I don't want to be kicked in the groin and told I'm taking advantage of a girl. If I touch breasts, I want the girl to actually give me permission to do so, and I want her to actually be someone special to me.

Plus, that series showed a part of my life where I was still really young and immature in many ways. I'm not like that anymore. Back then it was probably more of a "terrified" of touching women's breasts than a "doesn't like it." Especially terrifying to a young guy because we know we _do_ like it. At least, sometime after puberty. If you're referring to the 11-year old times, _then_ I probably didn't like it, point taken.

So. I'm answering questions now. And still ranting. Why not? This is more fun than I thought it would be. You want to puzzle out in your reviews whether I'm really Edward Elric or not, go ahead. You want to ask me about alchemy, go ahead. Just sound somewhat intelligent in your reviews-stuff and you have more of a chance of me replying.

If you ask me things like "OMG! Edo-kun! Ok um do u thnk its creepy to have a tv show about u in ths world? I was curios! i thnk you're the hottestest pershun in the uneverse! Ok bye Edo-kun! Lolz." You'll get a response like "Yeah, it's creepy, it created fangirls like you, what else could it be? Moving on."

Nope. Not an instant "Oh, my, you're the girl I'm going to marry! I loved you as soon as I read the 'Ok um'! You're so perfect in every way, let's run away together!" Ha. Yeah, right, you wish.

For the record, don't try to win me over and make me fall in love with you in your reviews. It's not going to work. Serious.

I think I'm shooting myself in the foot. If this proves to be a bad idea from the reviews I get, I'll stop replying to reviews and go back to ranting.

Ha. I sound like a daddy scolding a kid. I guess Addict was right about how I'd make a good dad someday.

Oh and really, I'm not kidding when I say I'm not Addict. These rants were first posted on her account when I didn't have my own account. Now it has too much of a following for me to move it to my own account. I'm azurespiral on this site. Go ahead, look me up, I've written some stuff. Not for a while, but hey, I've still written some stuff.

That's it; I'm done. This is the freaking longest note-rant-whatever I've ever done. But what the hell, it was fun.


End file.
